I am in a place where i feel my confidence waning. In a place where i feel like giving it up and running away. This is not an unfamiliar place. I have been here before. A number of times. The Lord has delivered me before. I know the Lord with deliver me again, but... I cannot help wondering about how i will get through it this time.
Life is much easier when you can sail through it without having to worry about a thing. When it is all easy sailing, but often that is not the case. There are days when the weather is good and sailing smooth. And then there are days when the storms hit hard around you...
And you would think that sinking is the only way out.
And you will even reach a point where you don't care whether you sink or stay afloat. As days go by, and as the number of storms you've faced increases, you even give up fighting.
You sit there simply staring at the storm.
Hoping it would go away. Hoping that the sky would be clear again.
It is not hoping against hope (for you know deep in your heart that there is hope).
It is simply not hoping...
You are left with an empty restlessness in your heart. A protest without strength in it. A dumb acceptance of the situation without a fight. Yet, with a struggle.
You know all the answers. You are aware of the words of comfort. But you don't have the desire to speak them to yourself. Neither do you care to hear it from anybody else. You don't care for words.
You go about doing the usual things. Yet wishing you didn't have to. Yet not willing to throw it away for you know that it is your lot - that which you are going through.
"Have faith," it is said. It doesn't even occur to me to have more faith. The storm is raging in front of my eyes. And that is all i can see. I hope to be a bit more peaceful about the storm. But peace eludes me. And the only faith i seem to have is what is given me. A remnant. And perhaps the remnant is enough.
"My grace is sufficient for you. My strength is made perfect in your weakness."
Lord, i believe. Help my unbelief.
This is something that came out of a period of wrestling with myself. If and when i do start my other blog, these are the kind of things i will be writing in it...