I am in a place where i feel my confidence waning. In a place where i feel like giving it up and running away. This is not an unfamiliar place. I have been here before. A number of times. The Lord has delivered me before. I know the Lord with deliver me again, but... I cannot help wondering about how i will get through it this time.
Life is much easier when you can sail through it without having to worry about a thing. When it is all easy sailing, but often that is not the case. There are days when the weather is good and sailing smooth. And then there are days when the storms hit hard around you...
And you would think that sinking is the only way out.
And you will even reach a point where you don't care whether you sink or stay afloat. As days go by, and as the number of storms you've faced increases, you even give up fighting.
You sit there simply staring at the storm.
Hoping it would go away. Hoping that the sky would be clear again.
It is not hoping against hope (for you know deep in your heart that there is hope).
It is simply not hoping...
You are left with an empty restlessness in your heart. A protest without strength in it. A dumb acceptance of the situation without a fight. Yet, with a struggle.
You know all the answers. You are aware of the words of comfort. But you don't have the desire to speak them to yourself. Neither do you care to hear it from anybody else. You don't care for words.
You go about doing the usual things. Yet wishing you didn't have to. Yet not willing to throw it away for you know that it is your lot - that which you are going through.
"Have faith," it is said. It doesn't even occur to me to have more faith. The storm is raging in front of my eyes. And that is all i can see. I hope to be a bit more peaceful about the storm. But peace eludes me. And the only faith i seem to have is what is given me. A remnant. And perhaps the remnant is enough.
"My grace is sufficient for you. My strength is made perfect in your weakness."
Lord, i believe. Help my unbelief.
This is something that came out of a period of wrestling with myself. If and when i do start my other blog, these are the kind of things i will be writing in it...
5 comments:
You are in my thoughts and prayers, Bungi. I hope things clarify themselves and the way becomes sure.
Your post made me think of this ancient poem:
Don't surrender your loneliness
So quickly, Let it cut more deep.
Let it ferment and season you.
As few human or divine ingredients can.
Something missing in my heart tonight,
Has made my eyes so soft,
My voice so tender.
My need of God absolutely clear.
Don't surrender your loneliness so quickly.
Shams-ud-din Muhammad Hafiz, translated by: Daniel Ladinsky
You are not alone. Yesterday he was in the same situation. Day before yesterday she was there too. Today it’s you. Tomorrow it may be me, and the day after the other ‘he’ will, and the next day the other ‘she’ will...
... when was the last time you have been in a similar situation, I ask to myself, when I am engulfed in such a storm....and I realize with a little twitch on the corner of my mouth (somewhat like an attempt to smile, perhaps!) that yes, there had been such storms before, and after that too I have lived a great life, and delivered greater results, and created and uncreated things that I credit to the account of fantastic memories in life... and think to myself that this too will pass...
.... it may result in an avalanche of tears.... or maybe not... but then, you know too Bungi that the night is darkest just before the dawn!
“And you would THINK that you will sink” you said. It’s simple as that. It’s not real. It’s only mind’s way of ‘thinking’.
Bungi... every time our mettle is withered in the process of growth, universe has its way of strengthening them...; we all go through it... and you are going through it. In days as this there must be something else growing in you... developing deep inside you.... building in you something that’s required for your next miles in life.... things that we may not be able to comprehend...things that appear to us as exhausting... things that appear to us as virtually tearing us apart.... but things that in the hands of God are the process that are preparing us to say one day, “hei, I’ve been through that, and that has made me stronger...”.
And you will say that with a smile of pride on your face....
God bless you.
annointed?
Sandy - Thank you. I wouldn't say that all things are clear, but they don't bother me - for now. :-)
Julie - Oh wow. That was beautiful. Thanks for sharing that with me.
Wordsmith - Thank you. :-) This too shall pass. :-)
Chriz - Ummm... May be?! :-P
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