Unspoken

You feel this warmth towards certain people: feel connected to them for some reason. You may not have met them; you may be friends, but not spoken about this affection you feel for them; with some, you may have even tried telling them, but floundered to find the right words; and then, with a few – very few – you actually do manage to communicate, and they understand you. 

That doesn’t mean that you stop caring about the others that you care about: even if this affection is something that you just carry in your heart: no, not quite like a burden. Small talks, occasional enquiry, a line here, a word there, laughter shared, conversations had – frivolous and serious, sadness understood, prayers whispered in secret… These are all that remain. These are sufficient.

And, these are friendships surrendered to God.

Sands of time

Sands of time slipping through my fingers

Flowing like streams of water

Not to worry

They flow back

In to the endless ocean of sand

Without hurry

I will grab another handful

And savour the feel

Of sand slipping through my fingers

More than that...

To repay evil for evil is ethics. To repay good for evil is grace.

The world has gone beyond the point where morals and ethics work. The need of the hour is grace.

Hindsight...

With hindsight, I would have done certain things differently, but I wouldn't have had the hindsight if I didn't do those things.

Dreaming on...

There are a few things that are a constant in the world. They may be expressed differently at different times, but they continue to exist. The struggle between the powerful and the powerless, that between good and evil, and that between idealists and status-quo'ers.

It is difficult being a dreamer. Constant struggle against the tide is the way of life. But they wouldn't have it any other way. If anything, it is the struggle that whets their appetite for more. Yes. They do pull out of the stream every once in a while to recoup the strength and reassess the path of the river only to dive straight back into the river to continue their swim against the tide.

Even if it takes aeons, even if they don't see evidence, they continue and they persist. Sometimes violently. Sometimes silently.

It is these people that change the course of the river. May God give them strength and ever use them to bring the Kingdom.

Jealous

Jealousy, like a drop of heavy poison

Grips my heart and drags it down

Through the mud

I try to grab my heart

And squeeze the last drop

Out of it

While i rest

Thinking that I’m rid of the poison

I feel my heart become heavy again

The darkness stains my mind

The claws clutch my conscience

Drop by drop

Little by little

Claw by claw

I will be rid of it

By the power of Him

who can rid me of it

Stolen moments

If i could write about one thing today, what would it be about?

Perhaps, it will be about stolen moments.

No, i am not talking about the moments stolen from us. Rather, these are the moments that we steal from life, like gulping down a lungful of fresh air before ducking back into water.

The moment of silence in the restroom away from the crowd
The quick moment of looking up and acknowledging God in the midst of a hectic day
The moment you allow yourself to be drawn into the beauty around you
The moment between turning off the light and your head hitting the pillow
The moment of repentance
The moment of release
The moment of glimpsing the big picture
The moment when hope's restored
The moment when peace is made
The moment when you feel God smile at you

The stolen moments from the pool of time...

A familiar place...

I am in a place where i feel my confidence waning. In a place where i feel like giving it up and running away. This is not an unfamiliar place. I have been here before. A number of times. The Lord has delivered me before. I know the Lord with deliver me again, but... I cannot help wondering about how i will get through it this time.

Life is much easier when you can sail through it without having to worry about a thing. When it is all easy sailing, but often that is not the case. There are days when the weather is good and sailing smooth. And then there are days when the storms hit hard around you...

And you would think that sinking is the only way out.
And you will even reach a point where you don't care whether you sink or stay afloat. As days go by, and as the number of storms you've faced increases, you even give up fighting.
You sit there simply staring at the storm.
Hoping it would go away. Hoping that the sky would be clear again.
It is not hoping against hope (for you know deep in your heart that there is hope).
It is simply not hoping...
You are left with an empty restlessness in your heart. A protest without strength in it. A dumb acceptance of the situation without a fight. Yet, with a struggle.

You know all the answers. You are aware of the words of comfort. But you don't have the desire to speak them to yourself. Neither do you care to hear it from anybody else. You don't care for words.

You go about doing the usual things. Yet wishing you didn't have to. Yet not willing to throw it away for you know that it is your lot - that which you are going through.

"Have faith," it is said. It doesn't even occur to me to have more faith. The storm is raging in front of my eyes. And that is all i can see. I hope to be a bit more peaceful about the storm. But peace eludes me. And the only faith i seem to have is what is given me. A remnant. And perhaps the remnant is enough.

"My grace is sufficient for you. My strength is made perfect in your weakness."

Lord, i believe. Help my unbelief.

This is something that came out of a period of wrestling with myself. If and when i do start my other blog, these are the kind of things i will be writing in it...